THE CONSPIRACY OF “LOOK MA, NO WIRES”

O.K., let’s file this one under …

THE CONSPIRACY OF “LOOK MA, NO WIRES”

When inventor Guglielmo Marconi did those first experiments with radio broadcasting, I seriously doubt that he foresaw the proliferation of wireless transmission that has become woven into the fabric that connects modern society.

Wireless is now the way or the world.

For instance, as I type this blog on my wireless keyboard, I am also trying hard to avoid being distracted by the easy ability to surf the web through my wireless base station, or the temptation of reaching for my wireless cable remote to check the constantly repeating news circle of my employer, NY1.

It’s a reminder of just how many of these waves are passing through my body at any of the individual moments that are being counted by the constantly updating digital clock on my wireless cell phone.

And, amazingly, these wireless signals rarely seem to cross. 

The technology to me seems almost like magic. 

Somehow the wireless cell phone call finds it’s destination and rings on your tiny cell phone, wherever you are.  Somehow the numbered button you press on the cable box remote takes you to the desired channel, rather than mysteriously taking you to The Robyn Byrd Show. 

Even more impressive is the fact that my TV remote never opens the doors of the cars parked outside the window.  At least I don’t think that it does.  Somehow each signal finds the one actual device and function that the user intends.

This is on top of the very radio broadcasts, the television transmissions, the ham radio signals, the walkie talkie chatter, the baby monitors, and all manner of wireless cameras that conspirators use to spy on us (It’s a joke, Jeff).

I doubt Marconi could have imagined that his discovery would contribute to rise to the mass media that provides us so much information, including so many conspiracy theories. 

Nor could Marconi predict that the direct descendant of his discovery, wireless remotes, would finally, itself be the focus of so many conspiracy theories.

With the proliferation of electronic remotes and systems, a brand new conspiracy theory involving wireless has come upon Jeff’s R.A.D.A.R. (pun intended).

This is not the run of the mill interception of cell phone signals, which unfortunately goes on every day.  Nor is it the supposed use of subliminal messages for brainwashing, made popular by the film The Parallax View.

Jeff thinks that by giving all of our electronic devices over to remote control, it gives other, sinister, forces the chance to seize control of everything we do, like snatching the very remotes from our hands.  They can turn our devices on and off at will, just like in the classic The Day The Earth Stood Still (not the one with Keanu Reeves, the good one with Michael Rennie).

Klaatu Barata Nikto –

In that movie the Aliens did not have to raise a single gun, they merely rendered all of the world’s mechanical and electrical devices inactive for an hour. 

This was before cell phones and personal computers, and it was still effective.

Like the aliens, those who hold the override remote will be able to operate from afar, using our own infrastructure against us.  It will allow them to control everything we see and do without ever revealing themselves.

Jeff thinks there is a pilot program of this underway in midtown Manhattan.

Here’s how it all went down:

Jeff:  They’re testing something.

Me:  My patience?

Jeff:  Sam.  At The Empire State Building.  They’re testing something that causes cars to go dead.  Once they can do that, they can restrict our movements at the press of a button.

Actually, we live in the East Village, and, for the record, neither of us has a car and we walk everywhere, but I will put that aside for now. 

My very network actually reported on the events that gave rise to this new conspiracy theory the other day the other day, so I had some familiarity with it already, before Jeff turned it into evil-doing.

It seems that in the shadow of the former tallest building in the world, there’s now a five-block radius in which cars mysteriously lose their ability to start up.

There have been between 10 and 15 cars everyday that simply will not start according to Citywide Towing, which is the exclusive roadside assistance provider of AAA below 42nd Street.

As soon as the car is towed outside the radius they start right up.

Do they take credit cards? -

All signals seem to point to that symbol of the city, once climbed by King Kong, which stands at 34th Street and Fifth Avenue. 

Have I reached the person to whom I am speaking? –

Of course the conspiracy is fueled by the fact that the building management will not disclose a list or the purposes of the antennas on top of its spire.  This drives conspiracy theorists crazy, and of course they instantly suppose the worst.

Doormen of the upscale buildings in the neighborhood, and the tow truck drivers often called to the scene, even have a name for the dead car affliction.

They call it The Empire State Building Effect.

Some automotive experts have gone on record as saying that there must be some radio frequency broadcast which jams certain remote keyless entry systems.

According to the Federal Communications Commission, which is the agency responsible for assigning the frequencies that are used by remote wireless key systems, there have been no formal complaints made by consumers or manufacturers.

So is it, as Jeff claims, a test of some nefarious jamming technology that can render our cars and other electronics instantly inactive?

Would not it be so much easier to test this at some remote facility like Area 51?  Wouldn’t it be much easier, and unnoticeable to have the secret organization bent on forcing us all to walk buy up a few cars and a tract of land and go nuts. 

Why test it in midtown Manhattan?

Is the idea to use some subliminal way to terrorize bankers and lawyers who then get so angry that they eventually become postal?

Also, isn’t the more likely explanation that the large concentration of waves in the area finally caused a situation of a simple broadcast having the unintended consequence of being on the same frequency as the keyless remote? 

It could also be a case of a simple screw up.  Perhaps wave 9999x999 was supposed to be left only for keyless remotes, but it was assigned also to say the to the robotic communication that makes the new air conditioning system work in one of the surrounding buildings.  Now the person in charge of those wavelengths might have some splainin’ to do.

But Jeff’s theory does give some reason for pause to think that the more we give ourselves over to wireless technology, and the more dependent we become on it, the more vulnerable we become.

On August 14th, 2003 a blackout effected a large portion of the Northeast United States and Canada for more than a day. 

Things go bump in the night -

Telephones, refrigerators, elevators, transportation systems, and a host of other electrically based necessities went offline. 

Food spoiled, communication was severely limited, people were stranded in all sorts of uncomfortable places, and all other symptoms of an end-of-the-world scenario came quickly into play.

In all seriousness, without electricity, and maybe even without wireless transmission, civilization as we know it would exhibit a certain tenuousness that makes me uncomfortable to really think about.

So while people are seeing their cars towed from midtown, I’m wondering if buying a good, old-fashioned, reliable, classic car is the best solution. 

Add to that list: an old-style phone and an apartment on a lower floor.

O.K. Jeff, maybe I don’t buy your conspiracy theory, but the issue deserves careful thought.

Pretty soon, I’d have to break out the typewriter. 

But then how would you read this…

E-mails, messages and comments are welcome, as always.  Wirelessly, of course.